Adrenaline without the rush

There is a song called Sandstorm... well its not actually a song... its more of a musical composition as there are no words. The composition is a rave party favorite. The music is so fast, its difficult to dance to such a number, but it is widely loved as people can feel their adrenaline levels rising just by listening to it. Whenever I listen to that and feel the music in me, its an awesome feeling, but.. the thing with adrenaline is that you will enjoy it when you are actually doing something that is that fast. If you experience adrenaline and if your just sitting in front of a computer you are going to get very frustrated. I tried imagining that am running, or driving real fast,or doing something that can match the speed, but I couldnt. The song is just too fast. I love that song but it frustrates me too much.

Suddenly I dont know why, maybe I am completely wrong .... but I dont care..... It kinda makes me think that thats how I am perceiving my life, I feel like what I am seeing and perceiving of life is that the speed of it is so fast, and I can feel it and I love it and I want to be apart of that mad rush but I am not and thats whats frustrating me. Its the rush without the rush. Everything is moving so fast and you can get things fast but its not the important things. Life things that are important like, success, goals, dreams.... stuff like that takes forever. Thats the reasons for anger and frustration, we can see life whizzing by us in fifth gear and we are stuck in second gear.

I rarely listen to Sandstorm, cos it causes what I call musical frustration, when you know what you want to listen too but cant get the right track. It just so pisses me off. Again its kind of whats happening now, I know what I want, I know my destination, I have the will, I have my dream and I have my goal but I cant see how I am going to get there. I hate those think positive books (written by authors that committed suicide), I tried it all, and when you think positive and you do the envisioning and planning and stuff and it doesnt happen, then its like the castles in the air that you built come crashing down on you like lead bricks. Then what!!!!!!!!!

Guard

I have a line written on my pin up board which says "There is folly in many words", I put it up after hearing my dad lecture my sister on all the drama that she had been causing(her story long story.. not now). I thought I about that line and thought how apt that line is for me, I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, which is stupid as in my head I keep thinking that I have my guards up. But the fact is that unknowingly I say something and as soon as I say it, I think "Shit!!!did I just give a bit of heart away?" and regret follows and every time something like that happens all I do is hope and pray that what I let out wont come back to spear me.

How does one know who to trust? what to trust them with, and how much to trust them with, your heart and your life.

I used to write all my emotions on a piece of paper, whether I was really happy or sad or felt very driven, after writing, I suddenly felt a strong sense of bond with that piece of paper, I would never want to let it go as I would have written my heart on it. Time passes and the paper is tossed into other piles of paper into some file. At some later point when I find it, a healing memory comes over me. It struck me that if I can feel so attached to a paper, then how much more a person, if I let my guard down and give my heart away, and if that person throws it back at my face, oh man imagine the pain. Thankfully that hasnt happened yet. But a lil bits of who I am and what are my heart's desires have been let out.

Two statements floating in my head " Everyone is a potential Backstabber" and "There is folly in many words"

I think.......... No actually............ I KNOW............ that.........

Now!!!!! its mouth shut and guards up.

23

I turned 23.Everything seems so far and near. Which is soooo weird.

King David said "All of mankind lies", they did then and they still do now.

Man!!! am a cynic or what........

Year

For this new year's party am real happy about the plans ve made, which is.......Nothing! which is something that always works out very well around this time of the year....

Well in the begining of the year, I had suspected certain people would die and this and that would happen in the world. Glad to inform you that all suspected are still alive and worse happened in the world.

This year there was a massive financial recession. You think the roads would be empty cos everyone's going broke, but oh No!!!!!!! its like no one has even heard of it. The roads are jammed, still have to wait forever to get a seat at restaurants. Am mean Hellooo!!! Shouldnt everyone be sitting at home making a little nest egg for the stormy days ahead, instead of inconveniencing me!

Last year I didnt make any new year resolutions I only told myself that I would attempt things (attempting is not the same as making a resolution) like.....being nice to my sister, losing weight, pretend to like marketing and help out mom, well...... a year later from that I am still attempting the attempting, Its sometimes very tempting to start attempting all the things I plan on attempting but when my sister bugs me, I see enchiladas and when "Punkd or Heroes" is on the telly,temptation to attempt is overcome by not doing any attempting. So for next year I will carry over the attempting the attempting plan. Isnt that brilliant.My brain is better than I give it credit for.

Well back to my new years plans, its church and pizza, I love it when just before it strikes 12 we all snuggle up on the sofa and talk about the year gone by and thank the good lord for all his countless blessings. "Its just so Delicate"(I 'll give rs 50 for those who can tell me who made that word famous).

For like 2 mths there was dry spell on the music scene and now its like there's so much, Kayne West's 808s and heartbreaks is just awesome, Britney's Circus is just so Britney and Dido after sooooooo long she's back and its so nice. Downloading all their stuff has been such a treat.


Anyways.....I GTG........

You know ve been still thinking about this line...... "Everyone is a Potential BackStabber". It gives me a weird sense of security and also scares the crap out of me at the same time.

I think my blog is over a year old now, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chasing after Innocence

Over the past few months I realised that I am starting to losing my innocence. I had beliefs that people who had good corporate values had good family values as well. That once your married all your troubles are over. Friendships last forever. Not everyone has major drama happening in their lives. People care. People's mind sets have moved from the 1850s into the 2000s.Rich people dont cheat other rich people. You can trust people.

Well obvi from all the above that it all came crashing down on me. Every time one of the above mentioned situations occurred I was lost for words, It was a weird emotion of shock and nothingness at the same time. The shock is not that I didnt know that these things happen, the shock is that I thought I would always be surrounded by people who had Zero drama in their lives. So when shit happened to a person who is so close to me. I didnt know what to do except....... Just to........ Shut up and listen.

Where are those happy days they seem so innocent and behind. Those happy days of carefree, not a care in the world days. Now its job(boss-her/his madness,moodiness, whims), colleagues (their baggages, attitudes,jokes(which hardly makes your mouth twitch),we have to pretend to care, we are forced to listen), boyfriends/husband (I have no personal experience, but from observations its all the he said-she said drama),

Remember school and college, where whatever your superior said got lost half way between her/his mouth and your brain. Where we didnt have to put up with gossip mongers, two faced rascals, those that did bad things and those that were just absolutely weird, Now its all smiles and "oh really ha ha ha ha" when what really thinking is "I really dont give a shit."

For me now everyone is a potential backstabber. Which means that maybe I am also a potential backstabber, all I ask of myself is that I do it unknowingly than knowingly. The more I grow up the more aware of my own craftiness my own potential evil. Maybe thats why for many nights I dreamt of children, one running behind one, the other time singing to it, the other time feeding it. So I googled it and found out that sub-conscientiously I am scared of losing my innocence and free spirit.

Pondering over this for days and days on end.Till a line from the good Lord saved me.

"Be wise as serpents AND as INNOCENT as doves"

Dream Snatcher

I have heard the question about the shortage of leaders in the world, or the lack of people to make a difference.
I think the answer is because people are not given the chance. When you are saddled along with 20,000 other employees, who loves any one enough to take the effort to find the "dark knight". We barely know our neighbors or ourselves, sifting through the hay to find the silver needle is a task no one would even think off.

I was watching the video "Indescribable" and there the speaker showed a picture of the earth some gazillion miles away and it was called the "pale blue dot". And he said that everyone who has lived there life have lived it on that pale blue dot. When I heard that the thought that ran through my mind was not the number of people who have lived, but the number of dreams that had died on that pale blue dot. How many people had the potential but died before making it, how many people had what it took to be great but it was all thwarted by their superiors or someone who unjustly made them lose their dream.

Heard of the Dream Catcher, I dont believe in it. But I believe in the Dream Snatcher, its a behavior in all of us, if we deny the behavior we have lied to ourself for the millionth and thirty first time.


You must be wondering why am I going on about the universe, dreams and such depressing stuff, it would be because I saw some dreams being crushed and I felt like a Dream Snatcher terrorist, even though I didnt make the decision. I saw it, I knew the dreams and I saw reality. I wish I could tell them about the sorrow of what is to take place. Then maybe they can move to a place where their dreams can actually come true. I suddenly got a cold chill down my spine, if they could do that to them, then they can do the same things to me. I screamed in my head.

John Lennon' "Working Class Hero" (slightly retold)

As soon as you start they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.


They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,
Till you're so crazy you can't follow their rules,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years,
Then they expect you to pick a career,
When you can't really function you're so full of fear,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.

Keep you doped with sex and TV,
And you think you're so clever and classless and free,
But you're still peasents as far as I can see,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.

There's room at the top they are telling you still,
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill,
If you want to be like the folks on the hill,
A working class hero is something to be.
A working class hero is something to be.

If you want to be a hero well just follow me,
If you want to be a hero well just follow me.