In Pain

Ever since I found self-waxing strips, I asked the questioned immediately after my first pull. Which is more painful self-inflicted pain or some one else causing you pain. I of course spent a good amount of paid time at work pondering this. Which would hurt more, if someone dug a grave and pushed me in, or I voluntarily jump into a man hole. Who would I hate more, me or the other person.

Well me de genius figured out a possible answer, that whether I hate the other person or hate myself , its a third party that eventually gets hurt(Unless I self mutilate, commit suicide or pop the other person's clogs)(Oh btw, all 3 too much of an effort, so gonna skip em all). Its this is poor unsuspecting third party that gets the backlash of my pain, through my words and actions.

Then the second question dawned which is worse, to be the receiver or giver of the backlash.

Normal people would not want to be the target of either of the above 2 questions and according to my sanity test on facebook I am perfectly sane.

If I am as sane facebook sacredly says I am then why do I do things that will eventually hurt me. Why do I do things, say things, get into things that down the line I will smack my head and wonder why I did or said such things. Its like am digging this huge grave and hoping no one (inclusive of self)will push me in. Like today New York times was nice enough to tell me that I am morbidly obese. Did I have to go read the health and nutrition section? Couldnt I have just skipped on over to the Joe Biden making a fool of himself section.

The only thing that saved me from plummeting to supremely bad body image day from slightly bad body image day, was that research has shown that once, your body has genetically defined how much you will weigh, any sort of compulsion to push it further up or further down, will be rejected by your brain, that is why for certain people, their weight loss is never permanent.

Or when I say something which I regret half hour later, some months later(at these times I wish my current self would run back in time and tell my past self to shudd uppp!!!)
This what you called Self infliction.

There this woman I know who insists on crapping all over my work life, cos her private life is worse than crap. This is known as Third party bashing.



Don't you feel that the pain existing in this world is just increasing as the days go by.

Is pain measurable.

Which pain is worse physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.

Is forgiving and healing the only way to get over pain?

Earth Hour

After reading every article on Hrithik Roshan's love affair with some Spanish dame and Lindsay Lohan's break up with her les love Samantha, I ran out of things to look up, and for some reason I got directed to a page on Earth Hour and kept getting re-directed to alike pages for half an hour(not complaining about the time that passed-very grateful for it!just why Earth Hour).

You know in India we have something really similar, its called Load Shedding!!!!!!!!! Every summer the country preserves its energy by cutting off power for 2-6 hours depending on where u live, nearer a politician then never, further you are longer the power cut. Our great nation's power guys will cut it off even when they see one drop of rain fall from the sky. Their logic is you dont need power to enjoy the rains or a drizzle so here enjoy the darkness and the mosquitoes. Cuddle up with your families in front of the mosquito coil.

See if everyone in the world followed that imagine the energy savings. I dint bother putting my lights out. Its like hitting yourself really hard. Why would I wanna do that when I have government that does that for me.

I read that because so many people across the world shut their power off, the world save that much energy that would have been used through out China for six seconds. Six seconds!!!!! the entire world plunged themselves into darkness for an hour to save energy for a country for SIX SECONDS!!!!!!............ Goes to show people will do anything for absolutely nothing

Everything is not perfectly everything

You know what so annoying about life, its that you cant have everything, which is so unfair. Whats wrong in getting everything that you want. Some people... ok ....just Me...... thinks that I deserve to have everything, I have been a very good person, and therefore I must be entitled to have everything. This does not make me a spoilt or an in grate . I want everything good in life not venus and mars to be perfectly aligned.

Fine..... fine if I cant have everything then Why oh way cant everything I have be perfect, maybe I can live without somethings,if what I already had was perfect. No flaws in anything that I had. I would be so perfectly content with the perfection of what I perfectly own.

If I can't have everything and everything I have isnt going to be perfect then...........................

Why cant I be perfect... and do things perfectly.. I hate making mistakes, especially when I have taken major efforts in not making mistakes, and then someone points out a mistake...... I wanna just scream....... actually just growl and give out a royal roar........ ofcourse I would rather turn back time not make the mistake and then I would be like you know.... happy. Why is that the harder I try for perfection the more mistakes I make. I wanna just kick myself. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR................ .............. Why cant I do things perfectly.....................why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why............. Times like these I wish the earth would open up and swallow me.
You learn only thru mistakes... people tell me ... bah!! I say............................ The only thing ve learnt... is that I cant do anything right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cant have everything......
Cant have perfection......
Cant be perfect......

Oh beautiful life.................................. I thinketh that it is the pursuit that makes it beautiful........ If it so-eth... I think I will screameth.

Sane warped people

I have met a few people who read but I cant say that they are well read people, which is strange as they have read all the great classics and all the "must reads" of books of our time or they have read all the intellectual books . But the knowledge and finesse doesn't stream out of them as it should be. The reason behind this is that either they have not imbibed the book and sought to understand the author's writing and were unable to form an insightful opinion. The other type of read but not well read are those that they have read so many intellectual books which they have not fully understood (but they live in the illusion that they have), they take that and mix it with their own thought off warped philosophy and attempt an opinion which sounds to philosophically pretentious to me.

The later is what happens when people have no strong believes in one thing which will steady their thought life. When people know themselves and know what they believe in then,when reading other people's philosophies they will have the option to reject or accept. But when one is unsure of who they are or what they believe in or what they are looking for, they tend not to take the philosophy as a whole, just take what they like to hear. All that plus their own philosophy adds up to their warped thinking.

Sane as these people are in all medical terms, in terms of what is right and wrong (socially and morally) they are idiot savants. How can one help correct this. Is it a possibility? They live in the illusion of their own so called "great thinking and philosophy" and it is so subtle it has hard to point it out. One has to listen to them speak alot to realise that their thinking is "a little crrraaazy". A good part of me thinks that one can never tell a sane warped person that they are what they are because they have lived in that so called "intellectual bubble" for so long that they will not like it if you start poking it. They also are very defensive about their philosophies they have absolute conviction in their made up believes. I understand their defense, its because they are scared that we sane non warped people will tell them something that will shatter their bubble and they will have to face REAL life philosphies.

If you ever meet a sane warped person, all you can do is pray for them or run away from them.


OH BTW, previous blog got deleted, cos it was baring too much of my soul.

Still........... Rapid

Still waters run deep........ well everyone in my family I assure you is everything but still. Noise is the order of the house, mom's yelling, dad's cricket, my music. Even when we are not contributing to our respective noises, we still are so noisy, we talk loud and we all talk too much. So according to the old saying "still waters run deep" we are completely superficial people. But my observation of noisy waters and still waters contradicts the old saying. Still waters maybe deep but they are very murky, and the chances of them become full of algae, fungi and bacteria are quite high.

Thats the danger with quiet people(those non talkative), they are so to themselves, that its difficult to know whats infesting in them, it maybe bitterness, anger, spite... all these infestations just grow and grow. And when they do something everyone is so shocked, "they cannot believe that person did such an such thing.... she/he was always a quite being",,,, I have known at least 5 really "quite" people and they have all turned around and have done something so outrageous that people till today talk about it. Thats the thing with noisy people you always know whats going on with them, you know how deep and wide they are and you know their potential, you know how they are going to react.

Rapid waters excite, they challenge the one that decides to test them, people who ride through waters, first must be able to handle the speed and then all the obstacles of huge boulders, sharp turns, sudden falls. Some of the best fish are breed in rapid waters,

Still waters petrify me, its as silent as the grave, when the storm comes,deeper the waters higher and rougher are the waves. They are more prone to dirt and god alone knows how many once alive things have been thrown in there...eeeyuck, I think still waters are deeply troubled.

Question 1.... still or not to be still.........

Question 2... Rapid waters with a still heart or could it be vice a versa ?????????

Adrenaline without the rush

There is a song called Sandstorm... well its not actually a song... its more of a musical composition as there are no words. The composition is a rave party favorite. The music is so fast, its difficult to dance to such a number, but it is widely loved as people can feel their adrenaline levels rising just by listening to it. Whenever I listen to that and feel the music in me, its an awesome feeling, but.. the thing with adrenaline is that you will enjoy it when you are actually doing something that is that fast. If you experience adrenaline and if your just sitting in front of a computer you are going to get very frustrated. I tried imagining that am running, or driving real fast,or doing something that can match the speed, but I couldnt. The song is just too fast. I love that song but it frustrates me too much.

Suddenly I dont know why, maybe I am completely wrong .... but I dont care..... It kinda makes me think that thats how I am perceiving my life, I feel like what I am seeing and perceiving of life is that the speed of it is so fast, and I can feel it and I love it and I want to be apart of that mad rush but I am not and thats whats frustrating me. Its the rush without the rush. Everything is moving so fast and you can get things fast but its not the important things. Life things that are important like, success, goals, dreams.... stuff like that takes forever. Thats the reasons for anger and frustration, we can see life whizzing by us in fifth gear and we are stuck in second gear.

I rarely listen to Sandstorm, cos it causes what I call musical frustration, when you know what you want to listen too but cant get the right track. It just so pisses me off. Again its kind of whats happening now, I know what I want, I know my destination, I have the will, I have my dream and I have my goal but I cant see how I am going to get there. I hate those think positive books (written by authors that committed suicide), I tried it all, and when you think positive and you do the envisioning and planning and stuff and it doesnt happen, then its like the castles in the air that you built come crashing down on you like lead bricks. Then what!!!!!!!!!

Guard

I have a line written on my pin up board which says "There is folly in many words", I put it up after hearing my dad lecture my sister on all the drama that she had been causing(her story long story.. not now). I thought I about that line and thought how apt that line is for me, I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, which is stupid as in my head I keep thinking that I have my guards up. But the fact is that unknowingly I say something and as soon as I say it, I think "Shit!!!did I just give a bit of heart away?" and regret follows and every time something like that happens all I do is hope and pray that what I let out wont come back to spear me.

How does one know who to trust? what to trust them with, and how much to trust them with, your heart and your life.

I used to write all my emotions on a piece of paper, whether I was really happy or sad or felt very driven, after writing, I suddenly felt a strong sense of bond with that piece of paper, I would never want to let it go as I would have written my heart on it. Time passes and the paper is tossed into other piles of paper into some file. At some later point when I find it, a healing memory comes over me. It struck me that if I can feel so attached to a paper, then how much more a person, if I let my guard down and give my heart away, and if that person throws it back at my face, oh man imagine the pain. Thankfully that hasnt happened yet. But a lil bits of who I am and what are my heart's desires have been let out.

Two statements floating in my head " Everyone is a potential Backstabber" and "There is folly in many words"

I think.......... No actually............ I KNOW............ that.........

Now!!!!! its mouth shut and guards up.